Leaving Me

Have you ever left yourself? I'm not talking about one of those "senior moments" where you forget where you parked your car or what you are looking for in the next room. What I am referring to has more to do with being faithful to your unique "self" and specific design that God has given you. Have you fallen prey to other people's inferior plans for you and your life? Have you caved under the pressure to conform to someone else's standards?

If you haven't then we need to talk! I want a signed copy of your "how to" tell all, for sure!

I've recently been doing a self-evaluation of sorts because I had left myself...repeatedly. By nature, I am a passionate person. The things I love, I REALLY love. The things I don't love, well...."look out" is all I have to say. I have a list of things that rank pretty highly on my "passions" list; however, I find myself hiding those parts of myself from others. Why do I do this?

After much thought, I have come to realize that I hide certain things from others because I want to avoid the conflict, nay-saying, and eye-rolling responses that one often gets when their truest self doesn't line up with someone else's comfort level. It doesn't even have to be anything even remotely repulsive either. I may like the color orange and others like the color blue. Eye roll. Sarcasm. Mockery.

BLECH! I'm sick of it.

I am so tired of being controlled by fears and social norms. I am finally at a point in my life where I am ready to stand up and look all the eye-rolling naysayers in the face and say, "This is who I am! Like it or lump it!"

You see, I have a unique design just like you have your own unique design. Instead of comparing designs, we should all be in a awe at God's creativity that he has breathed into each one of us. Why do we keep trying to find others who are just like us? Why do we exclude others who are different?

It's maddening, I tell you! Maddening!

But here's the thing. We can stop. We can stop all the hiding and conforming. We can be brave and stay true to our God-given design. So here is my first step:

1. I love anything that will promote a healthy body. I enjoy exercise and I particularly enjoy the vegan diet, particularly if the highest percentage of food I consume is raw fruits, veggies, nuts and seeds. Out of all that I am, this gets the MOST mockery. (I mean seriously?! Right?)

2. I love music. That includes all music. I enjoy music that is Christian along with music that is not religiously based. I love rock, swing, classical, country, pop, baroque, disco, rap, and a cappela (to name a few)! I can not be labeled when it comes to music unless you want to just call me eclectic.

3. Some of the deepest of my hurts have come from the church as you may have noticed if you have followed my blog at all. That one might sting a little, but it is true. However, some of my deepest healing and freedom has come from the church, but it didn't come from those who put on their churchy faces and  played "church as usual." It was from the people who dared to be different, who swam against the current, and who loved me back to health. Those people are not the big crowd pleasers. Most of what they do to help people will NEVER be seen because they have to have be underground...EVEN INSIDE THE WALLS of the church. My life was turned around by one such person and to him, my husband and I will be eternally grateful.

4. I sense God in nature. I don't just love nature as a gardener; I love it as one who adores their Creator. Some might call that idolatry. I call it awe of Abba and everything He created. It's like looking at a photograph and recalling a person's scent, accent, jokes, personality, and where you were when it all took place. That is what nature is to me. It's a way that I connect with my Father.

5. I am a mystic. I am not a mystic in the sense that I lose sight of reality and start having all of these mini-gods. I am a mystic in the sense that there is SO much more to this life than many of us are willing to see and God is everywhere! He can't be overlooked and I want to see him!

This is who I am. These are things for which I am mocked and belittled, but this is my unique design and I'm tired of hiding it. You don't have to like it. I am actually an introvert so I don't desire to be liked by everyone. I can take it if you don't like it. It doesn't bother me anymore. I am who I am.

The question is....Who are YOU? Tell me in the comments below or on facebook. I'd love to hear more about your unique design and how you aren't afraid to be YOU any longer. I'm all ears...

Steal My Show

So I've been feeling a blog coming on, but it's not this one. (How's that for "bait and switch?") I have it mostly finished, but there it sits in my drafts just waiting to be broadcast to the world. I must admit that there's a reason it is my "lady in waiting." Sometimes God just tells us to sit down and shut our mouths. The time will come for that one, but right now, I'm living in chaos. I am daily crying out to my Abba Father for help, strength, wisdom, and (as my mother always prayed) a bridled tongue.

A situation has presented itself in my life (ahem, reared it's UGLY head) and it's not fun. It branches into a lot of other areas of my life that mean a lot to me; so it's safe to say that currently every day is a battle for me. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who knows that I am on my ledge and he continually urges me to "guard my heart." He realizes this is a spiritual battle and he wants me to fight. I've blogged many times about my brother and the profound ways he has shaped my life. He taught me to fight and to never back down, so I'm am ready to pummel some people! However, that is not the type of fighting I need to be doing at the moment (nor is the verbal lashing I'd like to offer some people free of charge).

The Spirit of God is teaching me to wait out the storm. He is teaching me to praise him while I am hurting. Although I don't handle every problem as I should, He is still beckoning me to come....sit....pray....praise.....linger...worship. It goes against everything I am "typically" used to doing. When there's a problem, I hop right on the saddle and try to fix it. If option A doesn't work, I immediately go to option B. You get the picture. I'm a fixer. I try to fix things and fix them quickly. Unfortunately, He's teaching me that this attitude is a branch of idolatry and pride. UGH. Them again?!

I've been made aware of these issues before during my spiritual journey over the past two years. I understand that seemingly "good things" can turn into strongholds and I've had to attack a few strongholds over the past two years. It's WONDERFUL knowing how to do so. It's empowering to know that I don't have to live under the tyranny of my enemy. I have a choice. I can fight in a different way.

And guess what...

I'm choosing to fight in a completely different way than I ever have before. If you know me or you have followed my blog at all, you know I love music. I may not memorize every artist or song title, but music flows in my veins. It is my native language. It's how God and I talk oftentimes and tonight, we had a powerful conversation that I felt he wanted me to share with you. It was based on Toby Mac's new song, "Steal My Show." As it was playing on the radio, I knew I needed to take out the word "if" repeated throughout the song and make it my prayer to my Abba....my Daddy who has helped me SO much over the past several weeks.

Here is my prayer:

Abba,

Please steal my show. I'll sit back and watch you go. I know you've got something to say so please just take it away. I NEED you to steal my show. I'll can't wait to watch you go. So take it away! I surrender!

It's easy for people involved in music (in any way) to make it about them and to think the "show" is about them. I find that many of my prayers are like that. They are "me focused" and they show that my heart is self-centered. I've had to confess this to my Father in order to change my habits of pride and idolatry. It took a painful situation (all UP in my face) to make me realize that.

In my heart, I truly don't want to make everything about myself. Sometimes we make it about ourselves without us even knowing and then the damage is done (both to us and the people who've had to endure it). I hope that you can understand what I am trying to say and I hope it helps you in some way. I love people and I really want to help others even if it means I'm airing my guts publicly. It's a small price to pay to help others, help myself, and glorify the Father. After all, that's Who we are here for, right?