Dear 2012

Dear 2012,

You have brought me some of the deepest fear, pain, anxiety, and conflicting emotions that I have ever known. You have also brought me some of the biggest blessings I have ever known. I experienced the incomparable fear of having a loved one go missing for three months. I survived the torture of creating missing person posters, putting together a search party, and hiking through the woods looking for my loved one (not knowing whether I would find him dead or alive, if at all). I endured the waiting, impatience, uncertainty, and mental torment of my creative imagination forming hundreds of "worst case scenarios" and playing them repeatedly in my mind. The blessings in all of this were the outpourings of love, support, and encouragement from family, friends, and unexpected strangers. Without them and the hand of my heavenly Father to hold and sustain me through it all, I don't know what I would have done.

After months of this drama, I received a break from my mental torture when I was told that my brother had been found and was alive, but in critical condition in ICU after having been beaten, stabbed (multiple times), and left for dead.

Watching him lay there in the bed unable to breath on his own was a contradiction of peace and pain. I was thankful he was WITH me and that he was alive, but I was broken over what had happened to him. After having found out who did this to him, I was sent into a deep inner battle. Hatred, malice, and slander where rapidly taking over my heart and mind in my desperate attempt to make sense of all that had happened. I couldn't understand why someone would do that to another human being based on the color of their skin (which is what it all boiled down to). My otherwise happy, peaceful heart was quickly morphing into a hateful, murderous heart and I knew I was guilty. They were my enemies and I didn't WANT to love them. I didn't WANT to pray for them. I didn't WANT to forgive them. I had entered one of the darkest seasons of my life.

Even still, I knew that God was with me, He still loved me, and that He would never forsake me. He allowed me to wrestle with this deep darkness for a while and slowly began to help me see glimmers of hope and sparkles of light that eventually began to shatter the darkness that had overtaken me. I spent 30 days just meditating and blogging on the attributes of God. This realignment of my focus  gave me a reprive from battle and filled my life with peace and Truth, which was a complete blessing. Another blessing during this time was the amazing group of people that God had placed in my life on a weekly basis. These wonderful people met (and still meet) in my home every Sunday evening to study God's love letter, pray for one another, and support one another on their spiritual journies. He used them to keep me anchored to His Truth (which helped me sort through all the lies in my head) and support me with their love and friendship. I will forever be greatful for them.

An unexpected surprise during this time was a guyser of lyrics that began to explode out of my heart as I began to write songs. The first song, All He Wanted, was about my brother, of course, and the pain he's suffered in his life. I began writing it when he was in ICU. I wasn't sure if I'd ever have music for it since I don't play an instrument, but it was just exciting (and cathardic) to have written a singable song. As it turns out, God already knew who could help me with the music part. I was asked to join a local Christian rock band and have loved every minute of it. Our first show will be in February of 2013 and I will have the honor of sharing my song and story with others.Talk about a God thing!

Even with all of these blessings, I seemed to go from one darkness to another this year. I have spend a great deal of time wrestling with deep spiritual issues and a painful religious disillusionment that left me ready to walk away from a lot of things altogether, including church. I began to be repulsed by religion and legalism while a strong current was pulling me away from all the "rules" and straight into the arms of my Savior who was breaking down all the walls and strongholds that had been built up in my heart. While it was a very painful time, I began to realize that what I was being given was my freedom...freedom from fear, guilt, shame, obligation, hatred, sin, religious manipulation, false gods and many other things that were only holding me back and keep me locked up in a cage. Clearly, my freedom is the blessing that I walked away with as I completed this stage in my 2012 journey.

I can say with all honesty that my journey is far from over and I've got a LONG way to go. I'm still processing some things and I'm still walking away from some things, but I am learning to put up my own boundaries and stand firm on what I know is Truth. I've learned that hurting people hurt people. The people that hurt my brother are not my enemies, but they are wounded people who need God's love just as much as I do. My hatred serves no one. Compassion flowing through me straight from the heart of God is what healed my heart...and it can heal theirs as well. I pray that they will find all they need in God. I have chosen with an act of my will (and in submission to the Holy Spirit living in me) to forgive them.

This year has changed me forever. I will never be the same...nor do I want to be. This year of pain has also been a year of blessing. God has ordered the steps of my journey and He has other places to take me, other things to show me, and even more to teach me. So 2012, while you nearly destroyed me, you also strengthened me. I survived what I thought would kill me and walked away from that which imprisoned me. I end this "anything but typical" year, by the grace of God, as more than a conqueror.

Forever Greatful & Free,

Christy

The Warrior Child

She was a timid girl of only eleven years of age. "Bashful" and "shy" fail in their explanation for her timidity was founded on something deeper than societal phobias or pre-teen awkwardness. Unable to truly see herself for who she was, she began to doubt her worth because she was blinded from the truth. Although she knew her Creator and found value in everything He has made, her own value eluded her. Saddened by her lack of value, strength, talent, and beauty, she stumbled through life from one struggle to another never finding happiness or peace.

For those looking on, it was a great mystery because it was clear that she was special. Her beauty went beyond the superficial beauty that is so prevalent in her society because it was not only skin deep. Her heart of compassion, love for others, and faith in her Creator made her stand out from the crowd with incomparable beauty.

Clearly different from her peers, she was anything but typical and yet she was unable to understand what that meant for her. Because she loves her Creator and has dedicated her life to Him, she has enemies. These are not the typical schoolmate bullies, but a more sinister, powerful force of evil that seeks to steal her joy, kill her hope, and destroy her soul. Her enemies want her to live a defeated life so that she will walk away from Her Creator blaming Him for all of the pain in her life.

They want her soul, even at eleven years of age, and they have already carefully crafted a plan of attack. In fact, their attack began long ago, unbeknownst to her. Her mother, understanding the power of the word of God, began to read the Bible to her and to pray with her every night. Discussions began to unfold between the two about the enemies of God and how they attack. She began to be trained to watch out for the enemy attacks and to quieten her heart to listen for the voice of her Creator who would strengthen and protect her. His voice is gentle and kind, always speaking truth. He never lies, unlike her enemies.

She learned that lies are their main weapon of attack. Her mother could only pray that God would help her daughter learn to know the difference between the truth of God and the lies of the enemy. She was instructed to fight the lies with truth for truth always wins.

Little did she know that her turn to fight was rapidly approaching.  As she began to learn how to listen for the voice of her Creator, she was delighted to be able to hear Him for herself. Her heart was encouraged to know that He loved her, wanted to communicate with her, and wanted her to communicate with Him. This, however, enraged her enemies and they launched a devastating assault on her mind, will, and emotions.

They told her she was nothing and that she would never amount to anything. They lied and said she would never succeed at anything and would never have value in this life. On and on, the lies continued until she crumbled under the weight of them and burst into horrific tears of pain and fear. Unable to bear the burden alone, she shared these thoughts with her mother. Then suddenly, as if she was struck with a bolt of lightening, she shuddered and stared blankly as she began to process what had just been revealed to her. Astonished, she looked up at her mother and said, "Mommy! I'm being lied to!"

This new found awareness did not remove the sting of the lies, but provided a new lens through which she began to look at them. Uncertain of what to do or how to fight, she fell into mother's arms, crying on her shoulder. Her mother simply took that moment to silently pray and ask God for wisdom and strength.

With a slight giggle, her daughter pulled away and said, "Well, that was weird." She began to explain to her mother how she, too, began to pray while they were hugging and somewhere deep inside she felt like she stood up straight and tall, looked her enemy in the face, and shouted, "Get out of my head!" With another giggle, she explained how she then proceeded to "tattle" on her enemies to God by saying, "God, they are telling me lies! Would you please make them go away?"

In that instant, the lies were gone, the pain was gone, and the tears dried up. Her Creator heard her cries and rushed to her rescue causing her enemies to flee like the cowards they are. He blessed her with the peace that passes all understanding and a happiness and joy she couldn't explain. She could rest safely in His arms and, for the first time in her life, she knew it.

What's more, she realized that her enemies told her those things because she does have value, she is strong, she is special, and God has big plans for her. She also realized that she will never be alone because all she has to do is cry out to God and He will rush to her side. She can do all things because of the strength and power He gives to her.

In that moment, she realized that she was no longer defeated, but that she is now a warrior for the King of Kings! This warrior child now knows her value and strength and walks in the truth of who she is. She is a daughter of the Lord of Heavens Armies and woe be unto any enemy that dares to attack her again.

 ** Dedicated with love to my precious Charis