More Than Forgiveness

I got spanked when I was a kid. It wasn't often, thankfully, but when I did get spanked I totally deserved it (like the day I broke the kitchen light bulb after my mother told me to stop playing with the broom, then I said a "bad word" and was sent to my room where I promptly decided to put on my boots and kick out the window...yikes!). There were just some days when I fell apart losing all sense of right and wrong and my dad made it clear how he felt about it. I hated getting spanked, but it seemed to jar me back into reality. It's amazing how a spanking could help me clearly see that I was out of line (sometimes WAY out of line) and I needed an "attitude adjustment."

 

If you had any spankings when you were young, you know the ugly truth about them. They HURT. They are embarrassing. They HURT. (Did I mention that they hurt?) I guess that is the point of any sort of punishment whether you are being grounded, spanked, or forced to stand in a corner. The point is that there is an uncomfortable consequence of your actions that will hopefully deter you from repeating the offense. 

 

When you compare a childhood spanking to the Biblical consequence for grown up sin, it doesn't seem all that bad. The Bible tells us that the punishment for sin is death. (I think I'd prefer the spanking, please.) It also tells us that we are ALL sinners which means every single one of us deserves death regardless of our sin. It might be that little white lie, the hatred in our hearts toward another person, or murder and theft. They are all the same to God.

 

Instead of annihilating and entire planet full of sinners, God had a better idea. It still involved death and pain, but the death and pain weren't ours. God's Son, Jesus, took all of our sins (past, present, and future) in his body and took our punishment. It hurt. It was humiliating, but it worked. It broke the power of sin in our lives. The Bible tells us that anyone who sins is a SLAVE to sin. Jesus' death gave us the opportunity to be slaves no more. We have the power to walk away from our sin and be forgiven of it.

 



Source: Public Domain

 



Some people don't realize, though, that sin causes wounds to our very soul.

 

Some people don't realize, though, that sin causes wounds to our very soul. It could be sins we've committed or sins others have committed against us. Either way, sin causes wounds that need to be healed. Many times, we try to heal those wounds on our own, but we don't quite know how to do it. We've lost all sense of peace and we may try drugs, alcohol, promiscuous lifestyles and all sorts of other "remedies" to fix those wounds.

 

But listen to what we have available to us:

Isaiah 53:5 - But he was wounded and crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace. He was whipped, and we were healed!      

 

1 Peter 2:24 - He personally carried away our sins in his own body on the cross so we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. You have been healed by his wounds!

James 5:16 - So always tell each other the wrong things you have done. Then pray for each other. Do this so that God can heal you. Anyone who lives the way God wants can pray, and great things will happen.  

Let's break this down. Jesus was wounded, crushed, beaten, and whipped. Why? It wasn't ONLY for our forgiveness. Don't miss this part! He did it all so we could be forgiven, experience peace, and so OUR wounds could be healed.

Source: Public Domain

Soul wounds are like doors that fly open for Satan

 to enter your life and rip you apart.

 

I've had my fair share of soul wounds. They are like doors that fly open for Satan to enter your life and rip you apart. I've been deserted by friends which opened the door for Satan to come in and make me feel like I am not worthy of friendship. I've been publicly, falsely accused of something which gave the devil  an opportunity to  make me doubt myself, my relationships with Christians, and my ability to trust those in older generations.  I've been misled and lied to by young men in my life, which left my self-esteem in ruins. Satan, of course, used this opportunity to make me want to take back the control of my life and relationships and never put myself in a position of vulnerability with a man ever again. The list goes on and on, but the Truth of God's word is a powerful tool for the breaking down of these strongholds and Jesus' blood is the ONLY remedy for healing these soul wounds.
 

Forgiven. Peaceful. Healed. That is God's design and gift for you. This is who we are in Christ Jesus when we embrace the truth of what happened on the cross, confess our sin, turn away from it, and follow God's design for healing. God knew we would need more than just forgiveness and he provided what was needed. God is good!

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Dear 2012

Dear 2012,

You have brought me some of the deepest fear, pain, anxiety, and conflicting emotions that I have ever known. You have also brought me some of the biggest blessings I have ever known. I experienced the incomparable fear of having a loved one go missing for three months. I survived the torture of creating missing person posters, putting together a search party, and hiking through the woods looking for my loved one (not knowing whether I would find him dead or alive, if at all). I endured the waiting, impatience, uncertainty, and mental torment of my creative imagination forming hundreds of "worst case scenarios" and playing them repeatedly in my mind. The blessings in all of this were the outpourings of love, support, and encouragement from family, friends, and unexpected strangers. Without them and the hand of my heavenly Father to hold and sustain me through it all, I don't know what I would have done.

After months of this drama, I received a break from my mental torture when I was told that my brother had been found and was alive, but in critical condition in ICU after having been beaten, stabbed (multiple times), and left for dead.

Watching him lay there in the bed unable to breath on his own was a contradiction of peace and pain. I was thankful he was WITH me and that he was alive, but I was broken over what had happened to him. After having found out who did this to him, I was sent into a deep inner battle. Hatred, malice, and slander where rapidly taking over my heart and mind in my desperate attempt to make sense of all that had happened. I couldn't understand why someone would do that to another human being based on the color of their skin (which is what it all boiled down to). My otherwise happy, peaceful heart was quickly morphing into a hateful, murderous heart and I knew I was guilty. They were my enemies and I didn't WANT to love them. I didn't WANT to pray for them. I didn't WANT to forgive them. I had entered one of the darkest seasons of my life.

Even still, I knew that God was with me, He still loved me, and that He would never forsake me. He allowed me to wrestle with this deep darkness for a while and slowly began to help me see glimmers of hope and sparkles of light that eventually began to shatter the darkness that had overtaken me. I spent 30 days just meditating and blogging on the attributes of God. This realignment of my focus  gave me a reprive from battle and filled my life with peace and Truth, which was a complete blessing. Another blessing during this time was the amazing group of people that God had placed in my life on a weekly basis. These wonderful people met (and still meet) in my home every Sunday evening to study God's love letter, pray for one another, and support one another on their spiritual journies. He used them to keep me anchored to His Truth (which helped me sort through all the lies in my head) and support me with their love and friendship. I will forever be greatful for them.

An unexpected surprise during this time was a guyser of lyrics that began to explode out of my heart as I began to write songs. The first song, All He Wanted, was about my brother, of course, and the pain he's suffered in his life. I began writing it when he was in ICU. I wasn't sure if I'd ever have music for it since I don't play an instrument, but it was just exciting (and cathardic) to have written a singable song. As it turns out, God already knew who could help me with the music part. I was asked to join a local Christian rock band and have loved every minute of it. Our first show will be in February of 2013 and I will have the honor of sharing my song and story with others.Talk about a God thing!

Even with all of these blessings, I seemed to go from one darkness to another this year. I have spend a great deal of time wrestling with deep spiritual issues and a painful religious disillusionment that left me ready to walk away from a lot of things altogether, including church. I began to be repulsed by religion and legalism while a strong current was pulling me away from all the "rules" and straight into the arms of my Savior who was breaking down all the walls and strongholds that had been built up in my heart. While it was a very painful time, I began to realize that what I was being given was my freedom...freedom from fear, guilt, shame, obligation, hatred, sin, religious manipulation, false gods and many other things that were only holding me back and keep me locked up in a cage. Clearly, my freedom is the blessing that I walked away with as I completed this stage in my 2012 journey.

I can say with all honesty that my journey is far from over and I've got a LONG way to go. I'm still processing some things and I'm still walking away from some things, but I am learning to put up my own boundaries and stand firm on what I know is Truth. I've learned that hurting people hurt people. The people that hurt my brother are not my enemies, but they are wounded people who need God's love just as much as I do. My hatred serves no one. Compassion flowing through me straight from the heart of God is what healed my heart...and it can heal theirs as well. I pray that they will find all they need in God. I have chosen with an act of my will (and in submission to the Holy Spirit living in me) to forgive them.

This year has changed me forever. I will never be the same...nor do I want to be. This year of pain has also been a year of blessing. God has ordered the steps of my journey and He has other places to take me, other things to show me, and even more to teach me. So 2012, while you nearly destroyed me, you also strengthened me. I survived what I thought would kill me and walked away from that which imprisoned me. I end this "anything but typical" year, by the grace of God, as more than a conqueror.

Forever Greatful & Free,

Christy

Put Your Dukes Up!

I'm pretty scrappy. Ever since I was little, I wanted to fight and wrestle with my dad and my brother. I don't like to give in and I will continue even if I'm wounded. My mom always said I would get hurt, run to her and cry, then right jump back in the pile. I would always tell people that I never played sports because I wasn't a competitive person. The truth is that I'm just TOO competitive. Growing up, I was never a good sportsman and I HATED to lose.

Every once in a while, I would stumble upon someone who was just as scrappy as I was and we'd have a battle to see who was the toughest. My mom would often lecture me for playing a game called "6 inches." For those who don't know, "6 inches" is a game where you make a fist and position yourself exactly 6 inches from your opponents flexed bicept. Then you directly punch them as hard as you can without pulling your fist back for added force. They take their turn and this continues until one person can't take it anymore. I finally saw the light on that one when I came home with 6 inch black bruises on both arms and could hardly move them. Game over.

While you may not have heard of "6 inches," you've probably heard of the game called "Mercy" (or as some people call it, "Uncle"). This is a game where you interlock your fingers with your opponent and you both begin to simultaneously maneuver your hands to see who can get their opponent into a position of pain to the point where they surrender. In order to surrender, one has to say "Mercy!" in order to be released.

Hey what can I say? I was the only girl in the house raised with an older brother for most of my life. It was survival of the fittest!

This game came to my mind as I began to think about today's attribute of God, which is "God is merciful."

Many people think of God as an opponent in the game of mercy. They think He just punishes you or hurts you until you can't take it and you finally beg for "Mercy!" It breaks my heart that people think that way and I desperately want them to know the truth. That is NOT what mercy is at all.

The truth is more along the lines of the fact that we were caught in the death grip of sin. In fact, the truth is that we were dead in sin (we're talking skeleton here), never truly knowing how to live. Then God steps into the picture with His perfect search & rescue plan, allowing His only Son to endure the humiliating death on the cross as the final sacrifice that would ever be needed to cleanse us of our sin. In that instant, the grip of death and sin lost it's power and there was no need for us to cry out for mercy. It was freely offered and freely given. There is nothing left for us to do but walk away from the sin that had bound us and walk into the outstretched arms of our Redeemer.

Here's what Holy Scripture says:

Daniel 9:9

9 But the Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.

Deuteronomy 4:29-31

29 From there you will search again for the LORD your God. And if you search for him with all your heart and soul, you will find him. 30 "When those bitter days have come upon you far in the future, you will finally return to the LORD your God and listen to what he tells you. 31 For the LORD your God is merciful -- he will not abandon you or destroy you or forget the solemn covenant he made with your ancestors.  

Mercy is the fact that God loved us when we were unloveable, offered the gift of His Son when had nothing to give in return, forgave us of a debt we could not pay. I am not worthy of the mercy that has been offered to me. God forbid that I ever take it for granted!

Holy Father,

You're love and your mercy are too much for me to comprehend. Even though I am so unworthy, you gave me the best gifts of all. You gave me freedom, healing, hope, life, forgiveness, mercy, and the promise of eternal life. In my human mind, it makes no sense to love someone like me, but you do and I am so thankful. Thank you that you love us all and offer this gift to every single person you've created. Help us to know you and love you more with every passing day. You are worthy of all our praise!

In Jesus Holy Name I pray,
Amen

Strap Up, Girl, It's Time To Wrestle!

Hey, I warned you this might happen. I told you that I would be totally honest on this journey and I also warned you that you may have a front row seat to watch me wrestle with some elements of God. Today's your lucky day!

Today's meditation was on a name of God, Jehovah-rophe, which means "the God who heals."

Stop there. In all honesty, this has been my biggest struggle with God. This is an area of God that I don't understand....at all. I get the fact that He provides spiritual healing, moral healing, and what some people call "the ultimate healing" which is just a nice way of saying "since your dead now, you don't have to be tormented by your diseases anymore."

What I don't understand is the physical healing. I read in scripture where He healed people.  Jesus healed scores of people when He walked the earth. I have even heard of miraculous healings that couldn't be explained any other way than the prayers that were lifted up to heaven on another person's behalf.

However, I have never personally had any prayers for healing answered...that I know of. I have known some people that I have spent a great deal of time in prayer for their healing, but it never came. In fact, they only got worse with time. Because of that, I have really struggled with this aspect of God.

Let me get one thing straight, though, I fully believe in my heart that God CAN heal and that if we are healed, it is only through His power. I believe that what scripture says is true:

Exodus 15:26 (NLT)

He [God] said, "If you listen carefully to the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to His commands and keep all His decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals you."

I believe God is our Healer in every way. I generally don't struggle with believing in the parts of God that I can not see, but I do struggle in this department. I desperately want to see God heal some people in my life right now. My heart breaks for a friend who's body is killing her ftom the inside out. I am also burdened for a gentleman at my church who has had some health problems for a while and has asked God for healing, but hasn't received it. My heart is broken that these people have desperately wanted God to move on their behalf and yet they are still sick.

These people love God. Only God knows their heart entirely, but when I look at these situations through human, faulty eyes I just don't understand and it makes me angry (can you hear my "Hmph!" and feel the vibration of my stomping foot?). There has to be more to this that we don't see and understand and I can't tell you how badly I want to understand.

This is where satan and his buddies love to sneak in and start whispering lies like:

"Well, obviously the problem isn't Him so it has to be you. Maybe you're just too sinful. Maybe He isn't listening. Maybe He doesn't care about what you care about. Maybe you're praying wrong. You'll never get this right so you may as well stop trying. Maybe you didn't say the right words in the right order. Maybe He just doesn't want to heal. Maybe He doesn't care anymore. You should be mad at Him. That'll show really Him!"

If you couldn't tell, satan and his buddies are idiots. Their jibberish makes no sense and my spirit rejects it entirely, but that doesn't mean he'll stop trying. He'll take every opportunity he can get to make us doubt God.

Even though I don't fully understand why God does what He does (after all, He is sovereign, holy, and infinite and I am not), I have learned that He is ok with us wrestling with Him. In fact, He invites it. So, I'm going to keep trying to understand this part of God even though it may take me until my "ultimate healing" to finally "get" it.

I still believe that God is all the things I've learned over the past 14 days and more. Maybe I'll learn something in the journey that will shed some light on this life-long wrestling match. Regardless, He's got my full attention.

I feel like a blonde joke.

Years ago, blonde jokes were "all the rage." Every time you turned around someone was coming up with another joke about people with blonde hair (implying, of course, that they are all dumb air-heads). Even though I was born with blonde hair, I must admit that I have laughed at my fair share of those jokes. One of my favorites goes something like this:

How do you kill a blonde? Answer: Put spikes on her shoulder pads!

Yeah, yeah, I know. Not only is that one mean, but it is totally dated. For any of my younger friends, you're probably thinking, "What the heck are shoulder pads?" You don't want to know.

I say all of that to say that I felt like a blonde today because as I meditated on today's attribute of God, I kept finding myself getting lost in thought, cocking my head to one side, and staring blankly into space with a confused look on my face.

Omnipotent. God is onmipotent.

Omnipotent is one of those terms that can easily be "church-i-fied" (a christy-ism, of course), underestimated, and taken for granted. Many of the sacred words used to describe God have been said so much in the church that people often say them without even understanding what they mean.

Omnipotent means that God is powerful. Not only that, but if you remember yesterday's blog, I wrote how God is infinite (no limits whatsoever). So when you put those two together, you get an unlimited God who has unlimited power.

HARD. Concept. For me. To grasp.

Check this out:

Jeremiah 32:17-18, 26-27

17 "O Sovereign LORD! You have made the heavens and earth by your great power. Nothing is too hard for you! 18 You are loving and kind to thousands, though children suffer for their parents' sins. You are the great and powerful God, the LORD Almighty.

26 Then this message came to Jeremiah from the LORD: 27 "I am the LORD, the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me?

My human brain is so finite and limited that I just can't understand the reality of no limits. I look at myself and my own life and see LOTS of limits. I try to be a positive person, but the truth is that I can be very skeptical, cynical, and negative sometimes (and when I am feeling that way, I don't want all your cutsie smilie faces and jokes, LOL). As most of you would imagine, I am not this way as often as I used to be because of the grace of God and the things he has taught me over this past year and half of my life.

Still, my life as a human being is very limited. I have hopes and dreams that will never be fulfilled. I have put a cap on the whole height thing and it's all a journey to munchkinland from this point forward (bone loss with age, yadda yadda yadda). I have to wait in the check out line holding one item while the person in front of me has a full cart and I'm in a hurry. I have to endure the idiot drivers who think its ok to speed and ride my bumper while I pretend they're honking because they love Jesus.

I am limited. This world is my temporary home, thankfully, and I look forward to the day where I don't have to worry with the limitations of this life. But for now, I am a limited person trying to understand an unlimited God.

This verse says that:

1. Nothing is too hard for God.

2. He loves people (even when the children are suffering for the sins of their parents) and is kind to them.

3. He is great and powerful.

Even though I can't fathom the love, power, and greatness of God with my faulty human brain, there are some things I understand with my heart.

I understand that because of God's omnipotence, I am safe with Him. He loves me in spite of my faults and has the power to do anything. Read that again: anything.

If God has the power to do anything, why do I struggle with doubt? Why do I worry? What is there to fear if God is on my side?! Nothing!

Our struggles and pain in this life can be too much to bear at times, but it's not too hard for God.

And now, I must go continue my meditation because at this point, I want Him to search my heart and show me anything that I have been afraid to give over to Him. Are there any reigns that I simply can't let go of? I want to know so I can confess that to Him and be healed.

I serve an unlimited God who has such an abundance of power that NOTHING is too difficult for Him. That means it's time for me to let go of it all and trust Him completely. How about you?

Don't Touch The Curtain!

Ahhh, it's nice to be back in the blogosphere again. It's been a while (a LONG while) since my last post due to my life being flipped upside down in incredible, albeit time consuming, ways. During this wild ride that I've been on, I learned something that I want to share with you.

My whole adventure began years ago with a few "church wounds," as I like to call them, that caused me to want to hide. I knew I needed to be in church, but I didn't really want to get to know anyone or be involved in anything. I didn't want my kids to know how deeply I was hurt by "the church" and I certainly didn't want them giving up on God because of my situation. I decided to go back to the church that I had attended in college and the early years of my marriage. I felt remotely safe there because it is a large church. I felt I could be a regular attender, but still be lost in the crowd, so off we went.

Have you ever just wanted to be invisible? Yep, that was me.

I enjoyed the music there, though, and I am a singer so I felt drawn to the choir. I figured I could be in the choir and still not really form any deep bonds. It would be ok. Right? Ha!

Skip forward a few years and a few Worship Arts pastors and you find me now. If you did a before and after comparison of me then and now, you would not believe it was the same person. I have experienced true healing and forgiveness from the church wounds of my past and not only found myself in the choir, but also found myself singing on the praise team. Eventually, I ended up becoming the main worship leader for about six months.

Not exactly what you'd call "hiding," huh?

During that time, I was walking past one of the white curtains on stage and noticed that there was a hole in it. I was amazed at the size of the whole and the fact that you couldn't see it from the congregation. For some reason, I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It was as if a small, quiet voice said, "Remember that hole." Later in the day, someone told me a story about that curtain because it caught his eye as we walked past it. The story went something like this:

 

"Oh yeah, don't touch the curtain. One of our old worship pastors ordered these from France and they cost $5000! He told us never to touch them because they were very delicate and had to be handled with care so they didn't get any holes. As you can see, they got a hole in them anyway."

Can YOU find the hole?

Then that small, quiet voice crept back in and said, "AND YET, they're still in use and quite beautiful even though some people thought they had to be perfect to be used."

 

A ha! It was beginning to come together. The lesson was for me. Even though God had given me an incredible opportunity to bring him glory through worship, I never felt "good enough" to be up there. I never felt like I had enough talent, was a good enough Christian, or was healed enough to lead anyone. It was in that moment that I realized that I don't have to be perfect for God to use me for His glory.

That curtain has been put in many different shapes, stretched, pulled, and heated under hot stage lights, but it's flaws never take away from it's beauty. That sounds a lot like the way I imagine God sees us. As long as we are willing to be flexible, humble, and used by Him, our flaws will not limit the way God can use us. In fact, our flaws may be the very thing that makes someone else believe that God can use them in the first place.

The lesson here is this: Don't hide who you are or what God created you to do or be...flaws and all. And who knows? Your flaws might encourage someone else and inspire them to write a blog post like this one some day. The great thing about being "anything but typical" is not that we are without flaws, but that we allow God to use us the way He wants to in spite of (or even because of) our flaws.