Dear 2012

Dear 2012,

You have brought me some of the deepest fear, pain, anxiety, and conflicting emotions that I have ever known. You have also brought me some of the biggest blessings I have ever known. I experienced the incomparable fear of having a loved one go missing for three months. I survived the torture of creating missing person posters, putting together a search party, and hiking through the woods looking for my loved one (not knowing whether I would find him dead or alive, if at all). I endured the waiting, impatience, uncertainty, and mental torment of my creative imagination forming hundreds of "worst case scenarios" and playing them repeatedly in my mind. The blessings in all of this were the outpourings of love, support, and encouragement from family, friends, and unexpected strangers. Without them and the hand of my heavenly Father to hold and sustain me through it all, I don't know what I would have done.

After months of this drama, I received a break from my mental torture when I was told that my brother had been found and was alive, but in critical condition in ICU after having been beaten, stabbed (multiple times), and left for dead.

Watching him lay there in the bed unable to breath on his own was a contradiction of peace and pain. I was thankful he was WITH me and that he was alive, but I was broken over what had happened to him. After having found out who did this to him, I was sent into a deep inner battle. Hatred, malice, and slander where rapidly taking over my heart and mind in my desperate attempt to make sense of all that had happened. I couldn't understand why someone would do that to another human being based on the color of their skin (which is what it all boiled down to). My otherwise happy, peaceful heart was quickly morphing into a hateful, murderous heart and I knew I was guilty. They were my enemies and I didn't WANT to love them. I didn't WANT to pray for them. I didn't WANT to forgive them. I had entered one of the darkest seasons of my life.

Even still, I knew that God was with me, He still loved me, and that He would never forsake me. He allowed me to wrestle with this deep darkness for a while and slowly began to help me see glimmers of hope and sparkles of light that eventually began to shatter the darkness that had overtaken me. I spent 30 days just meditating and blogging on the attributes of God. This realignment of my focus  gave me a reprive from battle and filled my life with peace and Truth, which was a complete blessing. Another blessing during this time was the amazing group of people that God had placed in my life on a weekly basis. These wonderful people met (and still meet) in my home every Sunday evening to study God's love letter, pray for one another, and support one another on their spiritual journies. He used them to keep me anchored to His Truth (which helped me sort through all the lies in my head) and support me with their love and friendship. I will forever be greatful for them.

An unexpected surprise during this time was a guyser of lyrics that began to explode out of my heart as I began to write songs. The first song, All He Wanted, was about my brother, of course, and the pain he's suffered in his life. I began writing it when he was in ICU. I wasn't sure if I'd ever have music for it since I don't play an instrument, but it was just exciting (and cathardic) to have written a singable song. As it turns out, God already knew who could help me with the music part. I was asked to join a local Christian rock band and have loved every minute of it. Our first show will be in February of 2013 and I will have the honor of sharing my song and story with others.Talk about a God thing!

Even with all of these blessings, I seemed to go from one darkness to another this year. I have spend a great deal of time wrestling with deep spiritual issues and a painful religious disillusionment that left me ready to walk away from a lot of things altogether, including church. I began to be repulsed by religion and legalism while a strong current was pulling me away from all the "rules" and straight into the arms of my Savior who was breaking down all the walls and strongholds that had been built up in my heart. While it was a very painful time, I began to realize that what I was being given was my freedom...freedom from fear, guilt, shame, obligation, hatred, sin, religious manipulation, false gods and many other things that were only holding me back and keep me locked up in a cage. Clearly, my freedom is the blessing that I walked away with as I completed this stage in my 2012 journey.

I can say with all honesty that my journey is far from over and I've got a LONG way to go. I'm still processing some things and I'm still walking away from some things, but I am learning to put up my own boundaries and stand firm on what I know is Truth. I've learned that hurting people hurt people. The people that hurt my brother are not my enemies, but they are wounded people who need God's love just as much as I do. My hatred serves no one. Compassion flowing through me straight from the heart of God is what healed my heart...and it can heal theirs as well. I pray that they will find all they need in God. I have chosen with an act of my will (and in submission to the Holy Spirit living in me) to forgive them.

This year has changed me forever. I will never be the same...nor do I want to be. This year of pain has also been a year of blessing. God has ordered the steps of my journey and He has other places to take me, other things to show me, and even more to teach me. So 2012, while you nearly destroyed me, you also strengthened me. I survived what I thought would kill me and walked away from that which imprisoned me. I end this "anything but typical" year, by the grace of God, as more than a conqueror.

Forever Greatful & Free,

Christy

What a Wild Ride, Man!

I can't believe that today is the last day of my 30-day challenge. What's more is that I can't believe I completed it without skipping any days! I have learned so much about the God I serve and I will never be the same. I feel like God has allowed my eyes to be opened to some new things that have altered who I am, how I think, and how I look at life. I feel peace where there used to be worry. I feel joy and certainty where there used to be confusion. I feel so much more deeply connected to the Father and it's hard to believe that it all started with just thinking about Him on the way to and from work! It's shocking to scroll back through the last 30 days worth of blogs and realize that all of that came from just devoting a little time to focusing my heart and mind on Him while I was in the car instead of jammin' out to music.

My commute is 20 minutes. So each day, I was able to devote 40 minutes each day to prayer and meditation on the names and attributes of God. Even if all you've got is a 5 minute commute, I seriously challenge you to try this on your own for 30 days.

I certainly didn't arrive at all the answers to the mysteries of God. Who can really do that? But even so, it is worth it to give God some time each day. I look at what He's done in me with 40 minutes a day and I'm thinking, "Hmmm....how can I sneak in even more time?!"

There's another thing I have found: meditating on God's names, attributes, and word is actually fun and addicting! I don't want to stop! I may never entirely figure Him out, but I never want to stop trying.

If you've followed this amazing journey with me, I just want to thank you! I'd love to hear your stories about what God has taught you through your journey!

If you didn't join the journey, it's never too late to start! I would challenge anyone to think about and read scriptures about the names and attributes of God for 30 days straight. Think about Him. Question Him. Ask Him "why?" Wrestle with Him. I doubt you'll be unchanged and I seriously doubt you'll see God the same as you did before you started. I know I never will!

I have been overwhelmed and humbled by His love, grace, mercy, holiness, provision, goodness, onmipotence, limitlessness, healing power, self-sufficiency, omniscience, sovereignty, wisdom, faithfulness, wrath, comforting Spirit, almighty power, position of authority, intercession, and most of all by His desire to have an intimate relationship with you and me (and the great lengths to which He was willing to go for it).

All I can do is stand in awe.

As I complete this challenge, I want to share one of favorite worship songs with you. I can't hear or sing this without getting lost in love, awe, and adoration for Abba for everything that He is. I also want to share a chapter in Psalms. Take a moment to just get lost in worship right there at your computer. He's there with you. Tell Him what you think of Him.

Psalm 33

1 Let the godly sing with joy to the LORD, for it is fitting to praise him. 2 Praise the LORD with melodies on the lyre; make music for him on the ten-stringed harp. 3 Sing new songs of praise to him; play skillfully on the harp and sing with joy. 4 For the word of the LORD holds true, and everything he does is worthy of our trust. 5 He loves whatever is just and good, and his unfailing love fills the earth. 6 The LORD merely spoke, and the heavens were created. He breathed the word, and all the stars were born. 7 He gave the sea its boundaries and locked the oceans in vast reservoirs. 8 Let everyone in the world fear the LORD, and let everyone stand in awe of him. 9 For when he spoke, the world began! It appeared at his command. 10 The LORD shatters the plans of the nations and thwarts all their schemes. 11 But the LORD's plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken. 12 What joy for the nation whose God is the LORD, whose people he has chosen for his own. 13 The LORD looks down from heaven and sees the whole human race. 14 From his throne he observes all who live on the earth. 15 He made their hearts, so he understands everything they do. 16 The best-equipped army cannot save a king, nor is great strength enough to save a warrior. 17 Don't count on your warhorse to give you victory -- for all its strength, it cannot save you. 18 But the LORD watches over those who fear him, those who rely on his unfailing love. 19 He rescues them from death and keeps them alive in times of famine. 20 We depend on the LORD alone to save us. Only he can help us, protecting us like a shield. 21 In him our hearts rejoice, for we are trusting in his holy name. 22 Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in you alone.  

Thank you for joining me on my journey! What incredible journey does He have in store for YOU? :o)

The sky really IS the limit.

Typically, when someone says, "The sky is the limit," they mean that the possibilities are endless. You'll often hear phrases like this from opportunists, motivational speakers, hopeless optimists, used car salesmen, and that good buddy who keeps trying to get you to join his downline in his latest network marketing venture.

As you may have expected, I have a different take on the phrase. Shocking....I know.

Grammatically speaking, it is really saying, "You can go as far as the sky, but that's it. You can't go further. You are limited in how far you can go." Sorry if I ruined that phrase for you forever, but welcome to my brain. :o)

Today's medidation time (which seems to be growing beyond my commute) was spent on an attribute of God. "Attribute" (at-tri-byoot...not uh-trib-yoot....two very different things) is a term referring to a quality of God's character. Today's attribute: God is infinite.

Romans 11:33 (NLT)

33 Oh, what a wonderful God we have! How great are his riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his methods!  

We live in a world full of people who won't believe in anything they can't see. They have to have quantifiable, visible, and tangible proof. They call it scientific. They call it wisdom.

God can't be measured. You can't put Him on a scale to see how much He weights and no tape measure in existence could measure His height. He is beyond our finite minds, scoffs at the tiny boxes in which we try to squeeze Him, and can not be limited. With a word, He spoke the world into existence. He breathed life into a man-shaped lump of dirt and gave him life...eyes blinking, heart beating....the whole nine yards! 

There is not a person on the planet who can do that, I don't care how smart and creative they think they are. 

God can not be stopped by time, space, demensions, powers, or authorities. His wisdom is so far beyond ours that we can't even BEGIN to comprehend it. I am one who loves to know the method to the maddness. Unfortunately, there is only so much of God I can understand because my brain is not big enough to hold it all. The combination of all the brains on the planet (including the ones who actually use more than 10%) working together would not be enough to fathom Gods wisdom and knowledge. 

I guess I should remember that the next time I don't understand why something is going awry and I feel the need to throw up my fist at God. Who am I to think I can tell God how to do His job? I know I get annoyed when people who know nothing about what I do try to tell me how I could do it better. So why should I do that to God? {spoiler alert: I shouldn't.} Yeah, that would be what one of my friends calls and "Amen/Ouch."   

I thought about all of this as I looked up at the beautiful blue sky full of puffy, white clouds. The sky is enormous. It seems to go on forever in all directions and it does...to a point. The oxygen in our atmosphere, the gravitational pull that keeps our feet on the ground, and the winds pushing those clouds around exist even though we can't see them. However, if you keep going higher and higher into the sky, you will discover that even gravity and oxygen are limited. Ask any astronaut and they'll tell you. These things do not exist in space, but God remains the same. He is as real in space as He is in the earth's atmosphere.

The next time you look at the sky, look all around as far as you can see and remember that God is beyond limit and measurement. Your circumstances may not make sense, but get to know the One who knows what the real deal is. Don't think that because God is infinite that He is too big to care for you, though. He just cares for you more than you can imagine, that's all.